Personality of a Controlling Person
Lacking survival skills
Surprisingly, a controlling person is not a person who has a lots of skills. Sometimes, you find them doesn’t know how to drive, do not know how to type, don’t know how to use computer, does not how to read map, does not how to use public transportation, etc. They are not a technology savior person. They are not self-reliance person. They don’t know how to hunt, how to fish, how to grow plants, how to survival alone in wilderness. They are not survivalist. They depend on others for their survival.
Controlling other is their survival skills
They control or dominate other, not because they like it, or not only because they like it, but they also actually need that personality trait for their survival. It is because they are lacking self-survival abilities. Their strength is social networking, plead, request for help, demands, or threats. It is because they do not possess the primary survival skills. Or they erroneously believe that they don’t have the survival skills. Their survival depends on their ability to control or dominate the persons who possess survival skills. It is like they are the ruler class in a society, they depend on the laborers, farmers, provide for them.
Controllers do not want to learn the skills they are lacking; they do not consider they are lacking the actual skill of obtaining his/her necessities. Such as driving herself/himself to place they need to go,
using computer or typing etc. All he/she wants to do is sharping their controlling skills, broaden their helping network. Seeking and obtaining help from their network are their primary skills, they consider those skills are their firsthand survival skills.
Self-Centerness
Controlling person, often do you feel like they are controlling others, they just do the right thing, and help or ask or demand other people do the right thing also. They often emphasis: “You must do the right things”. But what is the right thing? The “right” thing, according to who? Of course, it is according to the controller’s perception, standard, value and judgement. They are self-center person. Self-center does not mean selfish. Self-center is unconsciously using themselves as the standard of measurement. And seeing thing from their perspective, and that is the only perspective, the right perspective, the good perspective. They have a hard time to perceive thing from others’ perspective. e.g. If you ask them: “How that building would look like if you are standing in front of the back door?” they could not imagine how it would look like. They could not take on that perspective. “How the city look like if you are looking down from a helicopter?” Most likely they could not imagine that bird-eye view. So, they also have a hard time to read maps. They are not objective; they are subjective and did not know that they are subjective. They did not recognize that: perspective is relative to the standpoint. Different standpoint yields different perspective. I describe them as self-center, it is because they only see thing from their standpoint and do not consider that there are other standpoints.
If they tell their friends direction to his/her house. They are likely to draw from their own experience: how he come home from work. He would not ask, where is your starting location. They naturally assume you are driving from his/her own workplace/office. That thinking style is based on his/her own experience. That is self-center style of thinking.
E.g. how to get to a certain restaurant? Her answer is that: “after you get off your car, walk to the end of the block then turn right, the restaurant is right there”. His/her direction is based on his/her own experience. That is the way he/she drives to that restaurant. She does not have a sense of objectivity, seeing their friends are not him/her. They would not ask their friends: “from what part of the town you are coming?” From south part, north or east or west part of the town? Those thoughts do not even enter his/her thinking process. He/she assuming the other is him/her.
Controllers have a different kind of cognition.
Their boundaries
This type of person might also be having overbearing boundary. Their personal boundary does not stop at the boundary of himself or herself, they personal boundary include their spouse, children, friends. They often use the pronounce “we” “us” “our”. They include others into his domain without getting permission from them. They have the feeling that “We are one”. They consider their spouse, children, close friends are themselves. They care for them, if they are harsh to them, we can also see that they are also harsh to himself or herself. Their reasoning is “we are just like a family”. He/her sees them are the extension of him/her. They (the controller’s spouse, children or close friends, business partners) do not have wills, desires, preference, because they see others as extension of themselves (the controllers). They are telling the truth when they proudly said: “I treat you just like the way I treat myself.” Their loved one is part of him or her.
Or they treat their loved one like treat their beloved pet. They treat them good from their own perspective. Seldom seek out their loved ones’ like and dislike. They make decision for their loved ones.
“I don’t need to ask him or her, because I know what they like.”
They want attention and devotion, loyalty, they don’t like their loved one have pet. Their loved ones are their pets. They don’t want their pets have pets. Controller like their subordinate attentive to their directives at all times. If their subordinates have pets, they could not be attentive to them at all the time.
They don’t have time for pet. Having pet, take their time away from controlling others. They have few hobbies. Their hobby is caring for others in his/her controlling manners.
Relationships
Controller own their controllees. Their time, and resources, and their connections. They decide their social network. They give permission. Without permission, it should be assumed that every movements are prohibited.
Their complain is “you don’t listen”. Their conversation is filled with orders, instructions, seldom give information, share information, share feeling or emotions.
Master own slave. That is based on a sense of superiority. People with superiority are controller. But those who don’t consciously have a sense of superiority also could be a controller. He or she just assuming that I have more experience than you, I am older than you, I am stronger than you etc. a sense of superiority base on experience, expertise, self assumed responsibility but not necessary racial superiority or gender superiority.
Controlling person like to make you a copy of him/her
Underline the controlling traits, there lie the anxiety and obsessive and compulsive behavior. They want to reduce the chaos and simplify the world around him. If you think like him, do things the way he/she does, the living habit is the same as his/hers. The controller’s life is much simpler. Controller like to simplify his/her life. He/she doesn’t want to adjust to other’s wake-sleep cycle, living habits, your ways of doing thing or your ways of thinking. He/she set up detail house rules, work rules, dress codes, so you become a shadow of him/her. So that he/she eliminates the trouble of interacting with another person. It is because you become him/her. This trait stamped from reducing his/her need to adjust to other’s way of living. It does not need to come from malice intention, or sense of superiority. But it could also be. People with sense of superiority also like to control others.
Hold a primitive way of categorizing: black and white, good and sevil, right and wrong
They hold a dyadic view. Morally right or morally wrong, they take this moralistic view apply on situations whereas that is not morally related. There is nothing in between, there is only black and white, no grey. There is only good and evil. Nothing in between. What is missing in these views of right
and wrong, good and evil? The missing part is personal preference. They use their own preference as the standard, as the right value and good value, whatever deviate from there is bad, evil and wrong. Controlling person are not evil person, they just see very thing through a pair of moralistic lenses. They hold onto a more primitive way of categorization. They stuck at the moral aspect of issue and neglect the pleasure and personal preference. The good part of this is: they put right and wrong, good and evil on higher priority, perhaps over popularity.
Underlying anxiety and compulsive obsessive disorder
They are likely to have anxiety, or compulsive obsessive behavior. It is extremely hard for the one who has compulsive behavior cannot performant their compulsive ritual. They would become anxious, and restless. To avoid this uneasiness, they must take charge of the environment, control the environment, include the others, any person who might interfere with their compulsive rituals.
Those with high anxiety, they want to avoid the triggers of their anxiety, such as unfamiliar environment, unexpected events, event or person that might interfere with the execution of their detail plans. One of the ways is to avoid from any adventure, anything out of his/her routine. But if they are engaged in new activities, they will make sure that no one can interfere with their plan. Then, the controlling and dominating behavior have to put into action.
Lacking adaptive ability
Closely relate to the trait of compulsive and anxious for changes, that is their inability of, or unwillingness to adapt to new environment. I don’t know which one is the cause, and which it is the consequence. In animal kingdom, predator depend less on their ability to adapt, than the prey: eagle depend less on their adaptiveness than a camelia.
Controlling people often are susceptible to seasick and car sick. They have a harder time to go with the flow, the rock and roll of the ship or the boat or the turns of the car. They want to be the driver, rather than passively accepting the turn of the car or the rolls of the boat. They prefer to take control rather than accepting the changes.
They have a harder time to adapt to changes. One way to ensure that he/she does not have to adapt to changes, that is: control the environment, in charge of a relationship and have authority over others and control others or dominate others. So, others will adapt to his/her standards, rules and requirements instead of the other way around.
They like to take charge; it is not because they want to. They feel they must. This character trait, taking charge, is something they could not shake it off even if they want to. So, they suffer when they are not in charge. When they are in a small boat or a small ship in the ocean with a few feet of waves, the boat or the ship rocks and rolls, out of their control, they are probably the first ones feeling dizzy, nausea, or even vomit. They are also more likely to suspectable to car sick. They need to be the driver or telling the driver how to drive.
Who they like:
They like to catch a controllable spouse, or subordinate. When they are dating, they are outgoing and actively seek out the one they like rather than to be sought. They are outgoing and know what they want. They have opinions, and can guide others as to what to do, where to go, etc. of course, based on his/her perspective. They actively participate in dating, they have a clear vision, and know which one is worthy for their pursue. They don’t care they like me or not, they have the confident that I will get what I want. when they find the right one, they zero in, and have a whirl wind webbing or commitment, they could be very decisive. They are the leader, they choose their friend, they have charisma, they are liked and admire by others.
Who they dislike?
Another controlling person. Another dominating, opinionated person. Another alpha female.
Final Analysis:
Underneath the controlling drive is the fear to be controlled. You would wonder: was there Trauma of being controlled, helplessness in the past?